I am not patient. I lack self control and when that happens i get angry. And it happens so quickly, that i do not even realize i have snapped until i see the tears coming out Kai’s eyes… Ugggg. It is such a miserable feeling of regret and frusteration and guilt and then i mask it again with anger.
I was making pizza for supper at 10 minutes to 6. The boys came up to the counter and said that they would like to make their own pizzas- ok we could eat a bit later. I said that when we moved i would let the boys help me more when i was in the kitchen. Kai was told to put 2 spoonfuls of sauce on and i went to help Everett, when i came back the can was almost gone and the sauce was everywhere. Kai disobeyed and i made sure i let him know, to the point that he was crying. Guilt. Immediately. Then more anger because he was crying. Sigh. Kai tells me next that i should pray. More guilt. And i quickly heded his advise, crushed. Because i know i have sinned and i hate it. I hate letting the devil catch me, and loosing self control and patience and Love. Oh the things my babies are learning and then reminding me. I should know better, i should be able to keep control. I should not need my little ones to tell me to get a handle on things. And then tell me the way i should do it is from GOD!!
I did pray quickly that i would be granted patience for the rest of the evening, and i asked Kai to forgive me for acting with anger towards him.
God is powerful and he loves us, when we come to him with a need and it is his will, he loves to give it. And he gives it richly.
I am reading and studying in Ephesians right now, and i am finding the Holy Spirit. He seems to be everywhere right now to me. And i am understanding more of what his role in the Trinity is. The Bible says he is the Helper, and the Spirit of Wisdom. I am seeing that he has the fruit of the Spirit.
Patience is a fruit from the Spirit. And so the fruit come from the Holy Spirit. And in order to have patience i need to have love. Love is a fruit from the Spirit. So to have the fruit i need to be full of the Spirit. I need to be desiring the Holy Spirit to be working in me. I know everyone knows this, it is in Corinthians- love is patient, love is kind. But sometimes you have that light bulb moment- this has been just that. Love IS patient. Patience= Love.
Our Holy Spirit that is within us is there for wisdom when we ask!! This is his job. This is him being the Helper and the Spirit of Wisdom!! When we love, and love wholeheartedly, like the for real love, like the love in Corinthians- it does everything, covers everything, and conquers everything.
So back to the messy sauce, i needed to deal with Kai disobeying but i need not have gotten angry, because out of love i should have showed him how to clean it up and through wisdom i would have taught him that too much sauce makes the pizza burn to the pan.